my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
