It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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