so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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