had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
