Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
