Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
