Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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