I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
