I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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