what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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