i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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