just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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