You just made me feel so damn special
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
