I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
