He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
