turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
