apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
