I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
