how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
