he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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