Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
