dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
