Sry I called you an 8
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How does one acquire holy water?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
