Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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