is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
