The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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