Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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