What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize