I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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