Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
