He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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