My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
