I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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