Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
