Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
