Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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