My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
