I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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