Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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