Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
