i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
