Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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