What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
