Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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