textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
