why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
