Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
the liver wants what the liver wants
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize