woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
