You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
why is half of my head shaved?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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