Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
