She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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