the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
