please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
