I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
