how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
