Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
