my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize